The Practice of Being Intentional
I recently wrote about my personal growth in my marriage as I became aware of my Asperger tendencies, and then again about my new personal awareness about priorities, spirituality and relationships. As you probably noticed, this has been a significant time of self-discovery for me. My new awareness has brought with it an increased level of intentionality to my relationships. In fact, I would go so far as to say, that previously, I did not live with any real intentionality, being content to accept my circumstances as they presented themselves.
The Appreciation Jar
As I became aware that I needed to be more intentional in my marriage, I realised that, just as I need tools to do my job, I would need tools to help me achieve this new goal. Better thinking was not enough. I needed deliberate actions that would focus my thinking and sharpen my awareness. I had been drifting for so long that it had become second nature. This habit had to go.
My career has been as a service engineer in marine, industrial, medical, and scientific equipment, so I’m a very practical guy. On top of that, I’m on the Autism spectrum, having ASD1 characteristics, and I knew that I needed a tangible activity to make me think and act differently.
- It needed to be meaningful to my wife and myself.
- It needed to be action based and have a positive outcome.
- It needed to be something that incentivised me to look for things I could appreciate about my wife,
… and that’s when I developed what I call “The Appreciation Jar”.
I took one hundred $1 coins and gave 50 to my wife and kept 50 for myself. Every time either of us appreciates something that the other has done, we put one or more coins in the jar, and at the same time, say what we appreciated and why it was it was meaningful. When all the coins are used up, we have enough in the jar to celebrate with a special meal or outing. Then we start again.
As a result, I am constantly looking for things that my wife is doing that I can positively acknowledge. The verbal expression of appreciation is as beneficial as the act of adding a coin to the jar. I now look forward to acknowledging her actions, and actively look for ways that I can do things that I know she will appreciate. It has been a game-changer for our relationship.
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