Acknowledging and accepting my place on the Autism spectrum was a relatively straightforward task. It required me to be honest about my own habits and ways of living in the world and in my marriage.
Living with it and allowing that acceptance to reshape my marriage was quite another story. This required me to be self-aware in a way that I had never been before.
In my book “An Intentional Marriage – Tools For A Stronger Relationship”, I gave significant space to explore ways that I had to change; firstly looking at my attitudes, those parts of me that no one else could see, then considering my outward actions and how they affected my wife and relationship.
I was aware that restoring my marriage would be a lifetime journey that required me to be intentional on a whole new level but I truly didn’t understand how much effort was required to be consistently intentional.
The book was released earlier this year, and for the remainder of this blog, I’ll use the present tense because I’m still processing these changes in my daily life. I am a work in progress …
Consistently intentional and intentionally consistent.
Consistency requires a level of personal awareness that I had avoided, largely because it took so much effort.
I constantly struggle to maintain the level of intentionality that my wife and marriage deserves, especially with my attitudes. Wanting to change is only the first step, albeit a major one! Living out the change is hard. In my book I likened it to high-performance athletes who discipline themselves daily to achieve a goal. On a flight a few years ago, I sat next to a long-distance cyclist who clocks up 1000km (600 miles) each week simply to stay in peak performance. I was stunned at his level of commitment to his sport, but I’m sure he is not alone, because all athletes who are at the peak of their sport must put in hours of hard work every day to reach then maintain that level of fitness.
My daily goal is to think of ways to build strength into my marriage, such as the Long Hug (pg. 123) which we do every morning while our coffee machine does its thing. In the book, I gave this tool a five-star rating for effectiveness, and I still hold that view. While we are hugging for those 20-30 seconds, I focus on my wife and am mindful of her input into my life. However, as with all actions, there can be a temptation to turn it into a habit that becomes a routine, which ends up losing meaning. Being consistently intentional requires that I make a deliberate choice to start fresh every day. I must think differently before I can act differently. Attitudes beget actions. When I think consistently, I start to act consistently.
Being intentionally consistent is subtly different. I have to choose to be consistent in my thoughts, words and actions. I need to apply that same intentionality to my habits and routines. They must become more consistent, more in line with the change I want in my relationship. I find this is much harder than being consistently intentional. Just this week, I was negligent in my thoughts and actions, which hurt my wife and the relationship. I took my eye off the goal, neglected a promise, and I got caught up in old ways of thinking. As a result, my actions lapsed back into old habits.
In a recent “Just The Guys” podcast, I made the comment that my wife’s grace to me is that she holds me to an accountable standard when I miss the mark. She values the relationship enough to call me to account, and to make me stop long enough to recognise what I’ve done that has damaged the relationship. While painful to experience, I appreciate her tenacity and unwillingness to let me slide. She deserves better, she knows it, and I need to be reminded when I forget.
Accepting that I’m on the ASD-1 spectrum is not an excuse for me to stop trying to relate to my wife in a more emotionally mature way. It doesn’t come as naturally as my technical and logical skills, but I keep reminding myself that I do have a right hemisphere in my brain, so I can adapt and learn new ways of relating. I am not defective; I simply need to learn new skills.
In my book, I close the second section with the following comments:
“Success hinges on our intentional decision to hope for a new and better outcome, be honest with ourselves about our own contribution to the issues that are present in the relationship, and our willingness to maintain an unwavering dedication to achieving our goals.
“Earlier (in the book), I asked why most people don’t live the best life now. Perhaps it is time to define what I think that means. Our best life is not based on health, wealth, or possessions. While these might make life easier, they don’t make life more fulfilling. We are at our best when we are in strong, secure, and vibrant relationships with other people, and especially in the deepest and most intimate relationship which is experienced within a marriage or life partnership. I would also add that a strong spiritual belief in the unshakable love of God, and an active spiritual life which celebrates that belief will strengthen our ability to live authentically.
“I know that everyone’s journey is unique, and though experiences may be similar, life is experienced from one’s own individual perspective. I don’t expect that your journey will have the same starting point or destination but I hope there are enough similarities to make this book a useful resource. To the degree that truth is universal, I trust that the truths I learned will apply in your life.
“Living an intentional life requires commitment. First and foremost, it is a daily choice to maintain momentum because nothing in our world is self-sustaining, including our habits. It also requires practical application. Use the ideas in Section 2 of this book, or the myriad of resources about intentionality which are available on the Internet, to inject new life into your relationship. Your partner will thank you and your relationship will improve. On her website, Gone Minimal, Julia Swann summarizes it well,
“By consciously aligning actions with values and priorities, individuals can create a more fulfilling, purpose-driven, and meaningful life”.[i]
“The goal of intentionality is awareness, not perfection, consequently I have yet to gain mastery in any of the subjects covered in this book, but I am making progress. Home is not rebuilt in a day because intentionality is a long game and requires consistency all the way. It is a journey.
“I hope and pray that you find these tips and tools useful and that your relationship becomes all it can be.”
“An Intentional Marriage – Tools For A Stronger Relationship” is available on Amazon in paperback and eBook formats.
nnot think how many times I’ve heard the phrase “Original Sin” with reference to our “fallen nature” or our struggle with Sin in our lives. It is foundational in the minds of most Christians, but is it a good foundation stone?
What would happen if we shifted from our focus on Original Sin to Original Innocence? Genesis ch1 states that God made us as image bearers of God’s character and essence. The plan was for us to flourish in a garden of peace and harmony with each other, and live in the continual awareness of God’s presence with us. Yet we forget about chapters 1 and 2, and jump straight to chapter 3, “The Fall”.