The Practice of Intentionality

 

“The practice of intentionality is the art of making the invisible, visible.”

Source: Unknown

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Athletes, musicians, and accomplished artists will stress the importance of purposeful determination and consistent practice to develop their skills. These highly focused individuals don’t accidentally find themselves exercising or practicing while the rest of the world sleeps; it’s a conscious choice they make every day. They may not enjoy the effort, but they know the outcome is worth it. They are intentional. To quote Muhammad Ali,

“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’”

In his blog, Time Management consultant, Mark Pettit says,

“Being intentional is about bringing a commitment, focus, and attention to something important to you.  If you want to be intentional every day you need to get clear upfront about what you want to achieve and then take action on achieving it.”^[i]

Pettit outlines six key points for being intentional in your behavior, thoughts, and actions:

1. Be deliberate with your day.
2. Be clear on the result you want.
3. Be purposeful with your time.
4. Be considered with your focus.
5. Be focused on your goals.
6. Be mindful of your most important relationships.

While all these points hold value for our daily lives, this book will focus on the final point of being intentionally mindful in our most significant relationships, particularly with our life partners.

My journey towards intentionality commenced during a relationship crisis, when I came face to face with the stark realization that I had ceased to engage with my wife on a deep and meaningful level. It became clear to me that I had gradually failed to prioritize her or our relationship. While I had been aware for years that our marriage was far from what I had envisioned, I felt utterly lost and unsure of any viable solution. I was unable and unwilling to see my own culpability for the demise of our relationship because I thought everything was my wife’s fault. I was blind to my own harmful attitudes and actions.

Unfortunately, it required a crisis before I was willing to confront and acknowledge my own attitudes and the damage they caused. The realization and acceptance came after a profound epiphany about my attitudes, which I will discuss in the pages ahead.

My wife was at her wits end trying to understand why I wouldn’t respond to her at the emotional depth she craved. She had used every tool in her toolbox to encourage me to be more engaged in our relationship, but nothing worked. When she discovered adult Autism Spectrum Disorder (previously known as Aspergers Syndrome), everything clicked into place, and she started to understand why I had so much difficulty connecting with her.

High-functioning Autism (ASD-1) is a developmental disability caused by differences in the brain’s neural wiring. It has many strengths enabling people with ASD-1 to excel in jobs which require logical analysis and cognitive processing. However, it does impact social interactions and reduces the ability to relate to others at an emotional level. Nowhere is this clearer than in marriage relationships, where the basis of the relationship is emotional openness and vulnerability.

Throughout this book, I will discuss the practice of intentionality as a practical concept that we can apply in daily life with a particular focus on building stronger relationships. It is a chronicle of my journey, highlighting many of the personal insights that were gained as I intentionally traveled this new road. I will discuss how I worked to repair the damage I had caused to my marriage, and my efforts and the tools I used to restore a loving relationship with my wife.

In the introduction, I referred to four things that are necessary for the journey, and I want to take a moment to delve into each concept individually. This exploration is crucial for realizing the goal of becoming more intentional.

Good shoes: Paul, the Biblical author of Ephesians, refers to the importance of footwear when describing clothing that protects and aids Christian living.^[ii] He says that our shoes are the good news of Peace. We can’t journey well or far if we aren’t at peace with ourselves or those around us. Being at peace in yourself is the good news and the necessary good shoes for the long journey of intentionality.

Any negative attitudes will be a pebble in your shoe that will stop the journey before it can begin. To quote Muhammed Ali again,

“It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.”

Good maps or plans: I’ve made many things throughout my life, and the outcome has always been of higher quality when I have taken the time to accurately design the project. Similarly, I have been on bush walks where I could easily have become lost if it weren’t for the maps that I carried with me. In the context of this book, the maps or plans represent the intentional efforts that we apply to the relationship. Nothing of worth materializes out of thin air, there is always a plan, followed up by the means to facilitate the desired outcome.

Reliable tools: For ten years, I was a marine Radio Officer with Mercy Ships. We used maritime charts to know where rock outcrops or shallows were located and an inertial compass to keep away from them, but on one occasion, the inertial compass failed, and we didn’t realise it until the color of the water changed from the deep blue of ocean water to the lighter blue of the shallow depths. We quickly reassessed our position and found that we were off course and at risk of running aground if we continued to trust the faulty compass. In this case, the maps were good, but the tools we were using needed recalibrating.

Good outcomes come from good planning and the use of good tools. The tools that I will discuss in the latter section of this book have worked for me, and I believe they will also work for you. They are not theoretical ideas, but practical concepts and activities that have built and strengthened intentionality in my marriage relationship.

Commitment to the goal: This chapter started with a reference to high achievers who leave nothing to chance. There must be a commitment to the journey, otherwise the goal of an improved relationship cannot be achieved. Nothing of lasting value happens by chance or without effort. As I began to consistently live from my new mindset, my expectation for my marriage changed from expecting a future of mediocrity to flourishing in the renewed reality of a close and meaningful relationship.

My wife, who was a counselor, has often said that people habitually do things because there is a payoff from the action. It might be easier to ignore an issue than confront necessary changes, or there is less effort required to live with some pain than to practice new habits in the hope of a new outcome. Or simply because there is a measure of security living with a known circumstance than risking change for an unknown result.

It is a certain fact that if nothing is done, nothing will be achieved. The issue that remains is whether the level of risk of the unknown is greater or less than the level of commitment to change.

I lived for many years, with a combination of all the above payoffs. I didn’t have hope for change, I didn’t want to put in the effort, I didn’t want to risk exposing myself in case I was rejected, and it was easier to live with what I knew.

Before I discuss the events and actions that restored my relationship, I want to review the consequences of my inaction and lack of intention.

While I hope there is something for everyone in the following pages, I particularly hope that those who are on the Autism spectrum will be able to identify with the problems I have experienced in my marriage and gain some insights and helpful tips that will enable them to bring more intentionality into their personal life and their marriage.

 

[i]
Petit goes on to say “Intentionality increases the value of your most important relationships and brings deeper meaning to them.  When you appreciate your most important relationships, you experience greater gratitude, abundance and self-awareness.

It helps you understand the purpose and importance of every relationship you have.  When you take the time to understand why a relationship is important, you feel happier and more joyful.

When you express gratitude to someone, their value in your life grows.  Identifying what you want from a relationship ensures you are clear about the best result you want from that relationship.

Being present in communication with the people that matter also shows how much you value them.”
https://lucemiconsulting.co.uk/be-intentional/

[ii]
Ephesians 6:13-17 ^“13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” NIV